there were stars in her eyes, once.

Some short years ago, a little, wrinkled lady used to wander into my work, a lonely cafe on the corner of the busiest street in town. Her cloudy eyes met my shoulder, and I could see the dust settled in her silver hair. The skin she wore was dried up like a desert prune, and a mist hung around her in curtains. I could see she had tasted the sweet and bitter of life, and the years had started to craze her brain. Her cheeks were hollow and her eyes round and full. The sun had kissed her face and left brown stains as a reminder - of the days when she used to run through the heavy summer’s glare and not have a care to her name. Her teeth were sunken into her jaw, rotting and stale with yesterday’s memory, of dreams unfulfilled and slowly forgotten. Bunched around her waist were thick ropes of desire, pungent and red. Flowing down over her legs and curling between her toes was a silky dress of soft pink, telling tales of innocence and lost beauty. Sitting atop her head was a tiara, one of those plastic ones bought from a two-dollar shop, plastic and spray painted silver. I could see she believed in the shiny jewels embedded in its crust. Hands clasped together, she sat on the seat by the window and stared, unseeing, into my soul. The pain and clouds that fogged up her mind’s eye caused my ribs to squeeze my heart into submission. And in my soul, I wept. Big salty tears rolled down my inner windows and pooled in the depths, collecting all the other unreleased liquid pain and turned into an icy lake, still and silent. I wished for this old lady, called her unspoken name silently in my head. I rehearsed walking up to her and curling my arms around her bony shoulders, holding her close to my heart. I wished for her to wake up and see that life was still all around her, that death hadn’t called for her. Yet she wandered around in a daze, as if she was already dead. A ghost, a memory, a shell of pitiful forgotten dreams. I turned to clean the already well clean table behind me, and felt her stale breath on my neck. I froze, and turned to see her slipping her hand into the fridge behind the counter, sharp bony fingers clutching at a bottle of juice. One by one, she pulled out bottles of juice and hid them in her sequinned bag. My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth and my lips seemed glued together, only way to open them would be to prise them apart with my nails. The bottles rattled around loudly and only then did I wake up and let out a shout. The whole place jumped and I opened my eyes wide. She was gone, not a trace that she had even existed. Was I day dreaming? Could that even be called a dream- or was it some sort of fucked future vision of the woman I could one day be. Shaking my head, I took a deep breath to clear the fog from my vision. Only then did I catch the thick stench, the scent of her unwashed body hung heavy in the air.

waiting on the edge of darkness

Into my life you came, walking
like a queen over rolling seas.
Bright as the sun, I feared your smile would blind me. Your
eyes burned into the deep holes of my heart, and filled up the cracks with
melted hope.
You pulled me out of my slumber and I
shook awake with a cold shiver, sharp finger down my spine.
The earth shook beneath my feet, and my
blood trembled as you spoke piercing truth.
Close to your heart, I fell into your arms. I watched the
pulse in your neck slither across your
skin. Saliva pooled under my tongue and I longed to
taste the life running through your veins.
My skin touching yours, warmed up my
cold and tired bones. It drew lava
into the muscles that propel me along life’s
weaving path, forcing a gasp out of parched
lungs.
Clarity shot through my eye and in that moment,
our souls intertwined their
spindly fingers. An arrow of light
flew across the sky and in that moment
I knew the Universe.

Introversion

Memories rising

Calling out to me

Swirling around me, thick mist.

Grasping, pulling, tugging hands

Trying to suffocate me.

Gurgling in my belly

Thick black liquid tar

Sticky and revolting.

The urge to vomit washes over,

-pain in the throat,

Sharp shards of glass slashing

across my wind pipe.

Blue one, reflect to me this demon inside.

Pull it up and out of me

That which has suffocated my fire.

Dig it up from the roots, destroy the serpent coiled thrice in my pit.

Make me pure and clean,

soft and waiting.

Strike a match against the bark

Light the tiny candle resting at

the base -

Fan and spread this little flame

Watch it grow and ignite my bones!

Oh, blue one, my demonic mirror,

reflect to me, my brilliant

shining sun!

It is bright and luminous

Warming up my icy blood.

See the sun coexist with the moon.

Day and Night, my dark, my light.

Together they complete me,

Filling and making me whole.

Watch my tired body stich together,

My soul lift and rise above the clouds.

We will rejoice

and look upon the memories

with ease.

Forest sings

She sings me lullabies,
whispers of nightsong
flowing over my aching bones
warm, liquid honey.

Who is the girl
running through the forest
Chasing a chilling wind
A creeping feeling
Twisting and weaving
Howling at the Moon.

Giggles and moans
The Spirit moves me
Trees lift up their feet
and walk.
Claw at my skin, pull at my hair
come, stay a while, rest.
We’ll eat your essence.

What is this fire
that runs through my veins
consumes my heart
Breaking my chains

She calls to me
Crying and howling
Dying, to save
A life.

Do you know, of the mystic
who lives at the bottom of the sea?
Spinning her webs of magic
and pearls of memory
Tales of friend and foe

She sits in her cave,
lures people in, with
her weeping.
Lonely and old…

Smoke fills my lungs
Heavy, full of dust
The Earth is stomping her feet.
Do you feel her Anger?
Waiting silently in the
Shadows
For the Eclipse.

I am a tree
My roots run deep
My arms stretch to the cosmos
Feel the rough bark
Soft, wet soil between your bones.

Come, fill up the hollow
Space in my soul
Pour your love in
Cup overfloweth
Hope, passion, madness, harmony
Peace.

Stream of Consciousness

I am an empty cup.

Fill me,

to overflowing.

Let Spirit move through me.

Light

Love

Truth

Perfection and Beauty,

two things life is made of

Or is it illusion, and Truth?

Guide me to the flowing waters

Where I may drink of the

wonders of the cosmos.

A thousand stars run across the sky,

a billion cells in my bones cry.

Cry for the brilliant heat,

the majestic grace and truth -

 but it is right here.

I do not even need to open my eyes to gaze at the beauty

of the Universe.

Stillness awakens

Soft and receptive

An open embrace

Ebb and Flow

The never ending dance of life
Two flames, weaving and twirling
across the night sky.
A lone star shoots across the horizon
fiercely pressing forward to its unknown destination.

Pebbles thrown in a lake
Casting ripples across the mirrors surface
Reflections of the trees droop and sway, distort, and finally,
disappear.

A hawk’s cry reverberates off these canyon walls
Echoing across the ages.
Red and brown feathers flutter across my
eyelids
Feeling like soft love.

The deepest caves of your soul
Led there through the open doorway of eyes
A touch, a momentary, fleeting caress
that turns your world.
It soothes the painful, gaping wound.
Like soft, cool nectar, flowing gently,
Healing…
Embracing…
Love is.

This fire is consuming
Passionate, fierce embrace
Moving, rising, building up
The tempo of the drums
increasing. Louder.
Scratching and biting
Tear me to shreds, then
Put me together, piece by piece
Filled with love, patched new,
glued by the searing wax of Light.

Awaken me. Come running.
I am here, ready and waiting
For my lover’s true kiss.

the cut

A stranger sits on this dark night

Slips silently out his lover’s door

Out into the cool harsh air.

He is leaving the warm fire,

the good food and mellow wine,

the softness of his lover’s breasts,

her velvet tongue, words dripping with sweetest honey.

Where is he going? Why is he leaving such a lovely place?

He is going out into the nighttime shadows, to face his own shadows.

He climbs onto his horse and gallops away,

leaving a trail of dust and a weeping woman in a still warm bed.

It is a full moon, and the air i heavy with foul stench of memories left to rot.

He arrives at the foot of a steep mountain,

looming high and deadly.

He has come this far already, one must keep going.

He looks back with one last yearning sigh, and begins the ominous trek.

It is hard, He trips many times, cutting and bruising already tendered skin.

Ripping his hands to shreds, as he hangs on to a cliff face.

He is so close - to certain death.

Up and up he goes, forever moving forward. No stopping him now.

Gasping for breath. Suddenly he stops. He has reached the top. The wind has stilled, the air is silent but for his heaving chest.

To his left, there is a cave. A light shines within, bright and welcoming.

He enters, and hears a soft voice echo within his mind,

“Welcome home. We knew you’d come. How we have missed you. Come, sit. See.”

It is wam within the cave. Peaceful.

There is a soft glow coming from nowhere visible, it draws him closer still.

Stopping in what seems to be the centre of the cave, he sits down,

and closes his eyes.

Hello

I must stop this senseless running.
Blind and without any end.
Forever running -
No more.
“Turn around and face your demon!”
The shouting hurts my ears.

So I do. I stop. I turn around.
The silence is deathly. My face pales.
There is no one there.. Nothing.
I am completely alone

This is what I was running from?
Loneliness; my greatest friend?
Oh, But you have always been there.
You come to me on many cold nights,
Even brightened mornings, there you are.
You haunt me.
I must look you in the eye now,
friend.
And give you warm welcome.
Come, stay a while.
And then leave, never to return.

Or will you always be there?
Waiting silently in the shadows

Goodbye

Numbness comes slowly
Like the dark of night it creeps in
stealthy and heavy,
it settles in silently.
I hardly notice it is there
Until its cold grip has consumed my heart.

It eats away at me
Piece by piece
Until I am but a cold stone.
My eyes are glassy
My hands are still
I am trapped in lethargy.

Break me open to examine my insides
Sift through the fatty tissue, intestines and blood,
until you get to my heart.
See its lifeless body, beating with no pulse.
A machine that roots me here.

Rip me to shreds and see my blank face
shed no tear, no groan of agony escapes.
Nothing. Silence.
An echo
Of what once was.

Prey

It stalks me on this foul night
Spinning webs of false beauty.
It lures me in with sly words and soft touches.
I shiver Goosebumps run down my arms
Feel the excitement hanging thick and heavy
in this cool night air.
Racing pulse; I yearn for comfort
Here it is! Offered to me, only for the
price of my soul.
A noise on my left startles me,
I look up and see my reflection in the moon. My face is
grotesque.
A mask of terror and equal hunger.
Pushing the thought away, I turn back to my captor.
Willingly, I expose my weak heart.
The hunter sinks its teeth into my neck.

meditation

 the scream

 the journey

 deepening

 awakening

home

Hello again,
Darkness, My friend.
“How do you do?”
Oh, I’m fine, thank you…

Do you remember,
how we used to play together?
You would push me over
You’d laugh; I’d cry.

I remember the long nights we spent
cuddled and twisted together
Wrapped in a blanket of ice.
You sickened me,
Then you comforted me.

This is the hole I crawl in to
My cave,
When the cold comes.

                                                               I sink back into myself.

Ever so slowly
Your fingers creep up over my skin
And rest on my shoulders,
weighing me down.
I resist, at first; I cry out and shy away
And then I remember

                                      So familiar
I fall into your arms like a lovers embrace

Sighing softly,
As you carry me home on
                 Midnight wings

My old friend
        I have missed you.

I look out at the world
From beneath eyes lidded with sadness.
the pain echoes within me
A hollow drum.

Climbing up over my back
Reaching down my throat
Grasping my heart
                         So tight you pull

I cannot breathe
Oh, here it comes.

You pool in my belly like thick syrup
Once seemingly so sweet.
                                     sour and putrid.
Your scent is trapped in my nostrils
I try to scratch you out.

Screaming, I am being dragged down,
down, down

Go to sleep, my sweet…
The morning will come
First you must greet me properly,

         For I am
                A forever.

 friend.

ghouls

Hello again,
Darkness, My friend.
“How do you do?”
Oh, I’m fine, thank you…

Do you remember,
how we used to play together?
You would push me over
You’d laugh; I’d cry.

I remember the long nights we spent
cuddled and twisted together
Wrapped in a blanket of ice.
You sickened me,
Then you comforted me.

This is the hole I crawl in to
My cave,
When the cold comes.

                                                               I sink back into myself.

Ever so slowly
Your fingers creep up over my skin
And rest on my shoulders,
weighing me down.
I resist, at first; I cry out and shy away
And then I remember

                                      So familiar
I fall into your arms like a lovers embrace

Sighing softly,
As you carry me home on
                 Midnight wings

My old friend
        I have missed you.

I look out at the world
From beneath eyes lidded with sadness.
the pain echoes within me
A hollow drum.

Climbing up over my back
Reaching down my throat
Grasping my heart
                         So tight you pull

I cannot breathe
Oh, here it comes.

You pool in my belly like thick syrup
Once seemingly so sweet.
                                     sour and putrid.
Your scent is trapped in my nostrils
I try to scratch you out.

Screaming, I am being dragged down,
down, down

Go to sleep, my sweet…
The morning will come
First you must greet me properly,

         For I am
                A forever.

 friend.

For Mother

The other day

I was sitting on a cushion-

With my cheek pressed up against the cool window,

Watching the rain.

I wrapped my arms around my legs, and remembered,

How you used to hold me.

When I would fall, you would sweep me up in your arms, and wipe away my tears.

Years later, crying from a broken heart, again, You were there.

Bringing the sunshine, soft whispers of love and warmth.

As time rushes on, it would be my time to console your misery.

I would hold your hand and tell  you to Trust.

I will sweep up your fragile soul in my own strong arms and soothe your fears.

Your body may grow weak, but your beautiful soul will never taste age.

The depths of light in your eyes will never fade.

Thank you, beautiful one, for giving me life, love, and passion.

The rain is stopping now. Look, a sunrise.

There were flowers at the edge of the forest, cupping
The last of the light in their upturned petals. I followed you in,
Under the sighing, restless trees and my whole life vanished.

The moon tossed down its shimmering cloth. We undressed,
then dressed again in the gowns of the moon. We knelt in the leaves,
kissed, kissed; new words rustled nearby and we swooned.

Didn’t we? And didn’t I see you rise and go deeper
into the woods and follow you still, till even my childhood shrank
to a glow-worm of light where those flowers darkened and closed.

Thorns on my breasts, rain in my mouth, loam on my bare feet, rough
Bark grazing my back, I moaned for them all. You stood, waist deep,
In a stream, pulling me in, so I swam. You were the water, the wind
In the branches wringing their hands, the heavy, wet perfume of soil.

I am there now, lost in the forest, dwarfed by the giant trees. Find me

- Carol Ann Duffy